I’m sitting in my Children’s Literature class senior year when a student asks a question about the upcoming essay.

“Professor, is it OK to use personal pronouns?”

“That’s a very good question,” Professor Stenzel replies. “I’ve been having you write journal entries throughout the quarter to teach you to use personal pronouns in your essays. I want you to tell me what you think, not what some academic in a journal thinks. So yes, you may use ‘I’ in your essays.”

One of the TAs fidgets in her chair and mumbles loudly.

“Yes?” The professor looks in her direction.

“Well,” she says, “I just think you should make clear that there is a right and wrong way to use personal pronouns. I just don’t want the students using them too much.”

“Very good point,” he replies. “There is definitely a right and wrong way to use the ‘I’ pronoun.” He moves to the board and begins making columns of ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’ ways to use ‘I.’

After finishing, the professor turns around and asks, “Does anybody have any questions?” A few people pose their own, and afterwards, just as the professor is about to move on to the next topic, I raise my hand.

“Yes, Mike?”

“Well, professor, I’m assuming it’s ok to use ‘I’ sentences in pairs?”

“What makes you say that, Mike?” The professor raises an eyebrow.

“Well, I figured we’re following the rule, ‘An I for an I’?”

In a lecture hall of 150 students you could hear a pin drop. No laughter. No giggling. Not even an asthmatic cough. Nothing but 5 seconds of horrible, awkward silence.

I clear my throat. “Wow, that went really badly.” More silence. “I definitely need some better material.” And silence.

“I thought it was pretty funny,” says the professor, attempting a save.
I fidget uneasily in my chair. “Well, *cough* I’ll be here until Saturday. Remember to tip your waitress.” This gets a few laughs, but they were most likely out of pity.

The professor picks up his thermos and takes a long sip.

“Mmmmm…” He pauses. “This is full of gin.”

Glorious laughter. The mood of the room I had so brutally killed is finally restored and the class can move on.
Class ends, and I walk over to where the professor is standing admist a group of concerned, questioning students. I had planned on apologizing for the horrible pun I made, but after waiting for 5 minutes, I decide to call it a day and leave the classroom.

I arrive home around 6:30, sit down at my computer and check my e-mail. A letter from Professor Stenzel is waiting in my inbox, entitled ‘Pun-ishment.’ It reads:

Dear Callahanmeister:

An I for an I…. Jeez, I thought my puns were lame! I almost said (when your row-mate talked about Tom Sawyer’s marble finding magic) that it was not so marble-ous.

–John