Back in college while I was working at the Campus Computer Shop, a chronically cute girl wearing a navy blue down-filled vest wandered in and asked me some questions about iPods. Her vest intrigued me, as I had not really seen anyone wear one outside of a Back to the Future movie. It was also nearly springtime, which made her clothing choice even more interesting. Yet strangely alluring. She browsed for a bit while I gazed longingly from a distance, and then she made with the vamoosing. Never to be seen again.

Well, until about a month later. She was still adorned in that same blue down vest. It was now mid-April and it was starting to get pretty warm, so The Vest caught me off guard. She still looked acutely adorable though, so I let it slide.

I saw her again two weeks later on my way to class. It was 80 degrees out.

But hey! look! a vest!

ATTENTION:

If you wear something “peculiar” every so often, like an Irish Tweed Hat or a Marmot Down Vest, it’s considered funny, or cute. If you wear it more often than you do your own freckles, and at particularly “peculiar” times… well you’ve ventured over into Eccentric Village. Population you.

And Howard Hughes.

And Tom Cruise.

I’ll admit, I’ve asked myself from time to time: Could I date a quirky girl?

The girl with the down-filled vest was cute, plucky, and dammit, precious as all hell. And her stubborn insistence to wear The Vest at all times was strangely endearing. Besides - women with quirks are always portrayed so generously in the movies! I developed a major crush on Meg Ryan after watching When Harry Met Sally, and Sally is the penultimate example of the quirk-filled girl-next-door. Heck, Meg Ryan has built her entire career on portraying heroines brimming with quirky traits. And Vest Girl kinda looked like an Asian Meg Ryan. So, bonus.

My initial infatuation with Vest Girl began to fade, and I started to wonder what our relationship would be like if we had actually dated. Would she insist on wearing the vest to fancy restaurants? Would it stay on in the jacuzzi? Funerals?

Vest Girl: “What exactly do you want from me, Mike?”

“I want you to take The Vest off.”

Vest Girl: “Don’t ask me to do something you know I can’t do.”

“But don’t you think it’s a tad ridiculous?”

Vest Girl: “Why?”

“It’s July.”

Vest Girl: “So I’m ridiculous now? Is that it?”

“No honey, that’s not it at all… You can wear The Vest as much as you’d like. But I have to be honest – it’s putting a bit of a damper on cuddle time.”

Vest Girl: “You don’t enjoy our cuddling?”

“It’s nice, but… it’s like I’m hugging the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters.”

Vest Girl: “Excuse me?”

“Or the Michelin Man.”

Vest Girl: “This is unbelievable. Remember how you used to tell me -

“Take off the damn vest!”

Excessively quirky girls are great to watch on the silver screen and they make wonderful daydream fodder, but they just don’t work in the real world. But such is life. Or as the French say, “Nous aimons le vin et fromage et nous combattons très mal.”

I can only wish you the best in life, Vest Girl, wherever you may be. May your every dream come true and your torso be perpetually warm.